avowal's Journal

I don't know if any of you remember me. I was a regular here about six months ago, when my problems first began.
I know most of you won't want to listen to what I have to say, and I understand completely. I'd heard many horror stories but never listened. I never thought any of it could ever happen to me.

I first began my severe restricting in early January. I had gotten my wisdom teeth out and didn't eat for a week. This was the first time I realized that I could go without food for so long. I liked the high that I got from not eating.
I never started eating normally again.
I went days and days eating only broccoli, then I would have a small binge and purge. I figured eating broccoli was better than eating nothing. I would stuff myself with as much as eight cups of broccoli at a time just to have that feeling of fullness, some comforting satiety.
I felt very depressed and ill while I was restricting, but I attributed it to depression rather than lack of nutrition. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. I often lacked the strength to get up. Walking to class every day was a daunting and near impossible task. I was irritable and isolated. I didn't want anyone to notice my eating habits, so I preferred to be alone. I was always miserably cold, even when other people were hot.
This regiment went on for five months. I went from 145 pounds in December to 101 on the morning of May 19th.
On May 18th, I had moved home from school. My mother had scheduled a routine check up for me at the doctor the following morning. They discovered that my heart rate was 43, at least 20 beats below what it should be during the day. They told me that this meant my heart rate was falling down into the 30s during the night. When your heart rate falls that low, you are in danger of developing an irregular heartbeat, which causes you to go into cardiac arrest. They told me that my mother could likely find me dead in my bed one morning.
I had no idea that I could possibly have caused so much damage so quickly. I was in imminent danger of dying, and I truly thought I was just losing weight.
We all know anorexia is dangerous, but I don't think any of us know exactly how.
I've just been released from the hospital. I was held for eleven days on a regimented refeeding program, eating 3000 calories per day. I had to eat out in front of the nurses to make sure I wasn't hiding food. I was not allowed to use the bathroom or take showers. My heart rate was continually monitored.
I am slowly raising my heart rate my re-nourishing my body. It still astounds me that I was severely starving and truly had no idea. I am now attending counseling and support groups.
It has been hard to have so many people so involved in my most private matters. I hate to realize that I have no control over my body. You can only abuse your body for so long before it rebels.
I was so afraid that everyone would think I was stupid. It isn't stupidity; it's a disease. The only way to stop it is to get help. I feel so much better physically. I am still terrified of getting fat, but I have to realize that thin is NOTHING if I'm not alive to enjoy it.
I am well aware that most of you don't want to hear any of this. I understand. I just felt that I needed to share the information that I wish I had a few months ago.
love,
Elizabeth